Am I over-reacting? Is this sexual harrassement?

I was fifteen and working as a waitress at a dinner party. Coincidentally, my parents and some family friends were guests, so I felt very comfortable meeting and greeting all the familiar faces. I remember being in a pleasant, talkative mood until one interaction shifted my spirits completely. I came into conversation with an older man - late 60s/70s - that I had known all my life and rather liked due to his eccentricity; he would wear a kilt everywhere he went. I began to ask him about his day when he returned my greetings by staring at my tits. My heart began to beat faster and faster, but I reassured myself that it was just my imagination or that I probably had a stain on my t-shirt or something. I tried to pick a new subject of conversation in order to startle him out of this pervasive glare, but he ignored my attempt and instead asked me how old I was. Before I could even answer, without taking his eyes off my chest, he took a couple steps closer asking me if I was enjoying Uni. I froze for a second, speechless - I didn’t know how to react. We were in a cold, empty corridor and I could feel his breath touching me. A rush of blood passed through my body, my heart was pounding all the way up to my ears, and I felt a twitch in my eyes. We were now only a few centimetres apart and I could still see his eyes flickering over my breasts. I had to leave immediately so I awkwardly mumbled an excuse then ran to the toilets, where I exploded into tears.

It sickened me to my core. I was repulsed by the idea that a man I had known since I was a child could sexualise me like that, almost as if he didn’t even recognise who I was (but he did as he had addressed me when we first met). This made me feel even more uncomfortable and conflicted as I reflected on a time when I felt safe around him. However, I was mainly concerned with the idea I was overreacting; the reality of the situation was that some creepy old guy had just looked at my tits. I knew this happened to girls all the time and it wasn’t like I was actually assaulted. I felt so embarrassed at how easily I could get upset and it made me feel so weak and dejected. Even now, the story still comes with a slight internalised belief that I’m being a drama queen, exaggerating the story and pitying myself for something that isn’t really a big deal.

I feel this way because it isn’t normal for girls to speak about these daily harassments, even when we learn about sexual assault/harassment in school. For instance, schools never talk about what to do when you are groped at a party; when some stranger touches your arse at a concert; when your guy friend starts to sexualise you; or when someone is persistently pursuing you after you’ve repeatedly said no. These are just some examples that I know so many girls, including myself, have experienced - and usually more than once. I have never been told to view these situations as harassment, as they’ve always seemed so ordinary and entrenched in society. I remember the popular boys at school telling me about how gross my friend’s fanny was or how non-existent someone’s boobs were, as if there was nothing fucked up about what they were saying. In moments like this, I ask myself, “Will I ever be looked at as a person regardless of my sex and sexuality?” I’ve felt many times like I was nothing more than the next meal for the male gaze to feast on; I normalized the idea that I couldn't stop being non-consensually sexualised and it was just an unfortunate disadvantage of being a woman.

This specific experience was a huge wake up call for me, because at that age I had never really been aware that, as a female in society, you are constantly judged, sexualised and in danger of being assaulted. Although, the idea of being sexualised wasn't completely new to me - in high school I was taught to sexualise myself so boys would be attracted to me and so I could feel some sense of value and popularity. So I would wear revealing clothing, with the only motive of grabbing the attention of the older boys. Although I didn’t actually like any of these guys, as they would always be quite rude and sexist towards the girls, I still felt the pressure to make myself attractive in order to be respected. Thinking back, I even remember going along with sexist jokes because it felt so normal in the school environment. This meant I was in a complete state of contradiction. I realised how much I HATED the feeling of being sexualised by strangers, yet I still felt the pressure to show skin in order to be accepted in school. I believed I couldn't stop being sexualised and that it was my fault because I chose to wear the tight or accentuating clothing.

I now understand this is utter bullshit and sexual harassment is never your fault. However, I know this is still a feeling that is experienced by most girls, especially in high school. Nowadays I see 12-year olds posting bikini pics, and boys in their later years of school trying to take advantage of them. It frightens me to think of the lack of support these girls have and the boys’ lack of awareness on how to behave. There are no real emotionally stable, expressive, cool male role models out there who embrace both their masculinity and femininity. There isn’t much encouragement and respect for boys to talk about their insecurities and to be themselves, which makes it harder to change this system. Yet, despite saying all this there is still hope. Currently there are so many more platforms for teens to get support and helplines to call - they are anonymous, and they actually help (I will link below)!!! There are also platforms such as Girrl Wrrld starting up to empower others, with a greater focus on mental health and self-care.

Since the incident and over the years, I have definitely grown as a person and I understand more about sexual harassment. I now know how often it happens and the fact that it is not okay, in any form. If you feel uncomfortable whatsoever, then it’s a HUGE deal, and we should never discredit our emotions. I’ve always felt that if someone stared at my tits or if some guy was being creepy with me, it wasn’t a big deal and I shouldn’t get upset over it. I realize now that I should never suppress my feelings or downplay the incident just because society accepts it as normal. Because that’s fucked. The way we feel is of utmost importance, and so is prioritising our happiness. I think it’s so amazing that we can now start to have a conversation about these experiences and understand we need to stop beating ourselves up about the way we reacted; worrying about the things we could have done to prevent it; questioning if it actually even matters and thinking how pathetic we are to be upset by it. It is so important for us to come together to heal and find support and love in one another because we all understand the struggle. If you have experienced any form of sexual harassment or assault, no matter your gender or how insignificant you think it is, you are not alone and there is so much support out there for you. Girrl Wrrld is here to support and empower you (even if you’re not a girl!) and there are helplines you can call so don’t be scared to reach out about anything! You are so strong already and we are all here to accept and support you.

Samaritans- 116 123

Child Line- 0800 1111

Rape Crisis Scotland- 08088 01 03 02

There was also voluntary groups specipic to sexual abuse, such as Woman Aid, Victim Support, and The Survivors Trust who can provide support