Why do I value the validation of men?

The world around me has taught me many things yet what have I chosen to absorb? Desperately trying to reconnect to my womanhood, I have begun to realise how deeply the male gaze has shaped me. I see myself pathetically waiting to impress or to inhail another mans mind and I wonder how much I can remember is really my own? As a feminist, it repulses me. I wish it wasn’t the case, but a lot of the time, I notice the ways I change in front of men. To appeal or merely to be acknowledged. And as someone who is surrounded by men a lot of the time, it starts to shift into default, which is terrifying. I know the purpose of my existence isn’t to gratify men yet, I see it in the music I like, the films that I find most moving, that sex that brings me pleasure. Why do I value the validation of men? These things that feel so true to my existence, are somewhat tinged with guilt. I think about this a lot and weather or not it makes me a bad feminist but I think this is the reality for a lot of women.

Art by Corey Brickley