Period Sex !
- Girrl Wrrld
- Jun 16, 2020
- 4 min read
Updated: Nov 26, 2020
Bleeding Love: Let’s Talk Period Sex !
Growing up, I thought I had managed to escape period shame. I was raised in an open, sex-positive environment where menstruation was freely discussed. My sex education luckily preceded the start of my period, so I was relatively unfazed when it began. My school friends, of both genders, were always chilled when the topic was raised, or someone asked for a tampon. I feel extremely lucky having spoken to others about their lack of menstrual education, and the shame and disgust that was associated with periods, that my experience was so unusually positive.
However, the one thing that my education lacked was any discussion about period sex. As I grew up, I never even considered the possibility of doing anything sexual when I was on my period. Even amongst my progressive friends it was a topic shrouded in stigma. Whilst we all talked passionately about demystifying and celebrating periods, even having our own dedicated society that campaigned to break down menstrual taboos, it was never an issue that was discussed. As I became sexually active, I learnt to write off five to seven days of every month as a socially imposed chastity period. I assumed, without ever broaching the topic, that even though the guys I dated were sympathetic and understanding when I was on my period, they stopped finding me attractive for that week each month. Looking back, I highly doubt that was the case, but it’s not really something I can pop-up and ask them.
What I do know is that for me, as for many other people who menstruate, I am horniest on my period. The floods of hormones in my body make me really, really want to have sex, making it all the more frustrating not to. I viewed my period as a barrier to sex all the way through high-school, until I left for uni and my relationship became long-distance. Only seeing my boyfriend every few weeks, with vast stretches of time in between where I wasn’t sexually active, changed the dynamic. Suddenly, being on my period when we were together didn’t just mean a few days without sex, it could mean over a month, and was not only leaving us both frustrated, but was also disrupting our closeness. Everyone’s relationship is different, and there is no right amount of sex to have, but for us, we definitely weren’t having enough.
Sex-educator Hannah Witton made this video[1] and it was the first time I had ever heard period sex mentioned positively. I started wondering: as someone who doesn’t think my period is gross, why would period sex be so disgusting? The next time my boyfriend visited I breached the topic in a non-stressful way, asking him what he thought about having sex on my period, and he was 100% down. He told me that he wasn’t comfortable giving me head (which I completely understood, but for anyone who’s down for it this is totally normal too!!) but was up for everything else.
We started taking baby steps, because despite how unfazed he was, I had years of internalised messages that period sex was dirty and shameful to unlearn. But eventually we got to the stage where he could touch me, we could have penetrative sex while I was bleeding, and it was just as fun and sexy as normal. It wasn’t until after we’d started having period sex that I realised how much it changed my relationship with my period. Yes, I still found bleeding every month inconvenient and annoying, and sometimes had cramps that made me cry. But so much of the dread around coming on my period was because I knew it meant days without sex, especially when those days coincided with holidays, anniversaries or the first time seeing my boyfriend in weeks. When I talked to friends about it, there were mixed reactions. Some were supportive and excited, but others were slightly more judgemental. Remember that everyone’s upbringings have instilled some period-negative ideas, but don’t let anyone shame you for doing something fun and natural!
As the experienced period shagger I am ;), here’s my advice for those of you considering trying it.
1. Have a non-stressful conversation about it with your partner/s. Just because periods are natural, it doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily be comfortable with it, and that’s something you have to respect. As with trying anything new with sex, make sure all parties are consenting!! Remember- sex can mean lots of different things, and your partner may be more willing to try some than others. Be it touching, oral, penetrative, mutual masturbation- lay the cards on the table and see what both/all of you are comfortable with.
2. Take things slowly. Even as an educated, sex-positive feminist who doesn’t believe in period shame, you might still struggle to feel sexually empowered on your period at first. As with unlearning any harmful message, it takes time, so don’t rush.
3. Lay down a towel. Preferably not a white one. This really doesn’t have to be a big turn off; just like putting on a condom it’s a necessary two-second job that you’ll appreciate afterwards, because it can be a little messy.
4. While it’s 100% valid for your partner/s to set their own boundaries of what they’re comfortable with, this shouldn’t include them shaming you for broaching the topic. Know the difference between someone politely declining a sexual act and them making your feel disgusting about menstruation. The latter is just sexist and mean, whoever it’s coming from, and isn’t a supportive response.
5. Sometimes cramps can mean period sex is painful, whereas other times orgasms can relax you and improve period pain. As with everything related to periods, period sex can be unpredictable, so don’t worry if it’s imperfect, or not a possibility for you! There are 365 days a year to have sex, and you’re not missing many by not having period sex.
I wish I’d had someone normalising period sex sooner in my life, so I really hope this helps to open the discussion about a really normal, and fun, aspect of sex. Bleeding and sex should never have to be mutually exclusive, and I hope this inspires some fun conversations and removes the guilt anyone feels around period sex being dirty or shameful.
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