Hey welcome to my wank tale! So, my relationship with masturabtion was pretty fucked until recently. I know this is a feeling a lot of women feel due to the fucking huge stigma around it. So, I’m sharing my experience in the hope to feel more comfortable with everything and to hopefully help someone who has had a similar experience feel less alone.
The first time I masturbated I was very young. I can’t remember the age but definitely early primary school or younger. I had no idea this was ‘masturbating’ or that it was even a big deal. I would hump stuffed toy animals as I enjoyed the feeling and didn’t think much of it. Until (eeeek this memory gives me the creeps) my parents started telling me off and making fun of me for doing it. Gwaddd that scarred me, and still makes me cringe today thinking about it. This made me so embarrassed that I ended up binning my stuffed toy animals out of utter shame.
In my teen years, I still pleasured myself occasionally but geeez I would feel so disgusting afterwards. It was so dirty. I remember feeling extreme pleasure and comfort and then as soon as I finished, utter embarrassment and shame. I felt like a freak. I was aware girls did masturbate but I was still ashamed that I had been doing it for so long. It confused me so much. I had never heard of children ever doing it as I was only told teenagers did it when they were horny. And I definitely wasn’t horny as a child. It was something like sucking your thumb as a kid, it didn’t feel like anything other than comforting. But that completely changed and now I felt the opposite about pleasuring myself.
The other thing that confused me even more was the fact I wasn’t even sure humping was masturbation. When I googled about it briefly or when I watched that one degrassi episode (ahaha) the only form of maturbation was finguring yourself. For me, fingering myself didn’t really do much which then left me in an EVEN more confused state. I was so ashamed of every aspect of my masturbation and I felt like the biggest weirdo. I remember later on in high school, briefly talking to my friends about masturbation in which they all replied they finger themselves once or never before. I remember remaining quiet in that moment to suppress my inner panic. I was definitely a freak.
This brings us to this month. I had kind of come to terms with my masturbation and didn’t really care if it was ‘weird’ because this was a relationship with just myself. I had explored new forms of pleasuring myself and watching porn and generally felt pretty comfortable with it all. Yet, the thought of sharing my experience with others still gave me the creeps. Until last week, I stumbled upon Florence Given’s masturbation stories and her post in which I was shocked. The front of her post was about pleasuring yourself as a child. As I read through the countless experiences of different ages and forms of masturbation, I realised I was actually not that strange after all.
Just today I found myself listening to a podcast in which the presenter talks about the first time she masturbated as a teenager. She is then reminded of the times she pleasured herself as a child. Her initial reaction after making this connection wasn’t thinking she was crazy or disgusting, instead she said “I was a natural sexual being since birth, this was a crazy beautiful realization”. This quote really made me think. It’s actually quite magical that I have been so innately sensual and sexual all my life. For the first time ever I was actually proud I had always felt driven to pleasure and connect with myself. It now feels special and I feel like it’s my superpower.
I now masturbate to connect with my sexual power and girls, I'm loving it.
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