A Very Reassuring Note on Virginity

I thought I would lose my virginity at 15. In my mind, that was close enough to 16 that I would be ready, that I would be old enough, mature enough, attractive enough, the list goes on. So when I hit 16 and I still hadn’t, I felt embarrassed. Then 17 rolled around and the insecurity of still having not had sex skyrocketed. By 18 I thought there was something wrong with me and at 19 I’d never felt more ashamed and anxious. Everyone around me was having sex or at least, had had it once before. Night after night, I worried and convinced myself it made me different, and in a bad way. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to have sex, it’s that for some reason I just hadn’t. I’m friendly, funny and fairly good looking. I flirt without even realising it (well, sometimes without realising) and can always “get the guy”. I’ve had “situationship” after “situationship” and a proper, serious relationship. I’ve got guys in my DMs, my snapchat, you name it. Looking at me, even knowing me, you’d never think I was a virgin. And so for the longest time, it was one of my biggest insecurities. I thought I was the only one, that everyone would judge me, that it was something to be embarrassed about. The older I got, the more and more worked up I got. It became this dark cloud that stayed above my head.

If 15 year old me had known she’d still be a virgin at 19, she’d have cried with embarrassment, drowning in insecurity. And unsurprisingly, for the past 4 years that is precisely how’ve I’ve been. The fact that virginity is a cause of embarrassment, insecurity and feeling inadequate is testament to the subtle, yet overwhelming societal pressure to be having sex; and the idea that if you’re not, there’s something “wrong” with you. Yet that notion is exactly why I’m glad I didn’t lose my virginity at 15, 16, 17, or even 18. Because I was still so embarrassed and insecure about it. Undoubtedly paradoxical but essentially: I’m glad I didn’t lose my virginity at a time (/age) when the concept of virginity was something I viewed (due to societal stigma) in a negative light.

I recently had a realisation that changed my perception completely. I realised that the only person that was truly, truly judging me for still being a virgin, was me. Now I’m not saying that societal pressures aren’t fundamentally to blame, I simply realised that it was my susceptibility to this unavoidable stigma that was causing my embarrassment; and therefore only by changing my viewpoint could I remove this insecurity. I’m now approaching a point where I don’t care. No I’m not screaming from the rooftops about my virginity but it no longer weighs heavy on my shoulders. Societal stigma surrounding virginity (unfortunately) will always exist. There’s no escaping that. But it’s no longer something I let label, define or even bother me in the slightest. If you’re reading this and you’re still feeling insecure about it (I don’t blame you, we live in such a shitty society) know 3 things: you’re absolutely not the only one, I promise it doesn’t make you weird at all and most importantly, you are the only person judging yourself, no one else remotely cares, or will care. I’m finally at a point where I’m ok with still being a virgin and I hope in time, you too will join me because it is bloody BEAUTIFUL up here and you deserve to see it.

Art : @beeillustrates