I first started masturbating at a very young age, I don’t actually remember when. I feel like I’ve always done it - I used to hump my teddies. I would feel this tingly feeling when I did it, I didn’t relate it to being anything sexual. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Afterwards, I would feel this horrible feeling of guilt and shame. I felt dirty and disgusting. I would promise myself that I would never do it again.
I remember my mum walking in when I was humping my panda toy, and I cried with shame when she left. I didn’t know what it was, and always thought it was something that only I did. I thought there was something wrong with me.
My family never spoke to me about it; they would just, ‘leave me to it,’ and not mention it again. One day, when I was about 10. My mum was in the bath and I built up the courage to go and speak to her about it. I remember feeling so scared, my hands were so clammy. I couldn’t get the words out, I just started crying. I then, ‘confessed,’ myself to her.
Her response was astounding to me; she told me that it was completely normal and that everyone does it. She told me that some people do it naked and some with their clothes on. She told me it nothing to be ashamed of. I was speechless. For my whole life, I had been burdened with this feeling of shame and guilt. I was filled with mixed emotions, I felt relieved that there was nothing wrong with me, but I felt confused as to why my mum hadn’t told me sooner.
Even though I knew that it was normal, there was still social shame surrounding it. In high school, my friends never spoke about it. The only time I ever spoke to a friend in school about it, was at a house party with a friend of mine called Emma. We were lying on the floor, shit faced. She said that she wanks sometimes, and I was like, “me too!”. We never spoke about it again after that. In school I also told a close friend of mine, Clara, that I had started masturbating early, she was really shocked. I told her I was 7 when I started, I was too embarrassed to tell her the truth that it was more like 4.
It’s only really been in the last year that I have become completely comfortable talking about my whole experience of masturbating. When I started dating my boyfriend a year ago, we spoke very openly about it, I found it so freeing. He recommended that I get a vibrator, so I could fully understand my body and get to know what I like and don’t. I was pretty weirded out by the idea at first. The idea of a sex toy completely freaked me out. But he normalised it for me. And so, we went to Anne Summers and bought me a vibrator. It took me a while to actually build up the courage to use it, but with his encouragement I explored my body and got to know myself.
When moving to University, the vibrator went straight into my essentials box, as I was about to be long distance with my boyfriend and so my pleasure was up to me to fulfil. At uni, I met friends for life. I have never felt so fully accepted and empowered by a group of girlfriends. We took a trip to Anne Summers in the first couple months of first year, and my friend bought one. She has since told me that, “vibrators really do change lives.”
So, you heard it here first ladies. Take control of your own pleasure and order yourself a vibrator. Side note: you need to look at Florence Given’s, ‘Pleasure,’ highlight on Instagram, because I found it completely freeing.
I feel that I have come such a long way in getting over the engrained shame I felt from such a young age. I can now confidently say I am proud to talk about my, ‘wank story.’
~Anonymous
Art by Robin Eisenberg
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