I remember playing a game of Never Have I Ever over Facebook messenger with some boy I was friends with when I was about 13. I loved chatting to him because I’d get to ask him all these questions about ‘boy stuff’ and I’d return the favour by telling him all of my ‘girly secrets’. Like many, I was so curious about the opposite sex at that time. I wanted to know what they thought of me, how I could tell if they fancied me, if they ever fancied any of my friends… And this boy, let’s call him Steve, seemed to have all of the answers. It was a school night and we were chatting as usual, indulging in our ritual of Never Have I Ever, when Steve asked me about the M-word. I remember receiving a message along the lines of, ‘Do you ever masturbate?’, and I became so overwhelmed with this grim sense of guilt and disgust. I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach; that dirty feeling. I still get it sometimes, it’s not something I’ve been able to fully get over yet, I don’t think. I replied as quickly as I could, saying “Ewwwwww. No?” before proceeding to ask him something like, “What would your dream date be?”.
I shrugged the question off. It’s gross. It’s just not something girls do.
I’m 15 and alone with a boy I really like at a party. It’s one of the first times I’ve ever gotten drunk, and he’s a year older. It’s exciting. And everyone has been telling me how obvious it is that he likes me too. The build-up is over quickly, and we’re kissing, and he’s starting to touch… Down there. Weird. He asks me if it’s okay, and I agree, cause why not. But I’m still pretty confused as to what is going on. Whatever it is he’s doing doesn’t feel very good. Is this supposed to be romantic? I think it’s just what teenagers do. And he seems to enjoy it. So I do too. I tell my friends after, I’m the first in our group to have done anything more than kiss a boy. The conversation is very awkward and uncomfortable, which is odd, because we talk about everything. They’re all kind of grossed out by it. So am I, to be honest.
Looking back on that experience I cringe. A lot. How did I let a boy touch me down there before I even had myself? How is that story normal? And not at all dissimilar to many of my friends’ first experiences of that kind? I think about the way I reacted to what had happened the following days, feeling shameful and disgusted with myself. That dirty feeling. I’m sure he didn’t feel like that. So why did I?
It’s to my great sadness that I was never told by anyone, including teachers, parents, friends, that it is totally normal for girls to masturbate and enjoy sexual pleasure. I don’t think I even knew girls could orgasm until I was about 16. Didn’t know where or what the clit was until I was 17. My vagina was essentially a complete stranger to me for so long. Too long.
This is something that is changing for women, gradually. But nowhere near quickly enough.
I’m 17 and just back from a party after flirting with the guy I like for most of the night. I’m wine drunk and have a lot of sexually frustrated and flirtatious energy. I’m lying on my bed and starting to feel around down there. I climax for the first time in my life, and it’s all my own doing. I feel incredible. Thing is, I can’t do it sober. I just cannot get my head into the right place. So it becomes something I only do very occasionally, after a night out every now and then, if I can be arsed.
It’s not weird. It’s not gross. It’s not your dirty little secret… It’s your fucking vagina. And it’s amazing.
I’m 18 and a few weeks into starting university. I haven’t wanked in a long time. And I’m drowning in work. My new friend tells me how she’s just bought a vibrator, and that it’s “changed her life”, so one day we take a hilarious trip into town and pop into Ann Summers. I buy a bullet vibrator. It feels exciting and strangely empowering. I’m taking total control of my pleasure and my sexuality. Probably for the first time in my life.
My friend was right, by the way. Vibrators really do change lives.
If you find masturbation difficult to do with just your hands, which was a huge problem for me, vibrators really do make it a much better experience! There are so many different kinds you can buy as well. I got my first one for £15, and it was great. Don’t let how they look intimidate you.
I am by no means a masturbation expert. However, I am now an expert on my own pleasure and sexuality, as I should be. This has helped me in so many ways; I have a much closer relationship with my body, my mind and my confidence. I feel sexy, which is something I never really identified with until recently. I put most of that down to masturbation. I think it’s so disheartening to know that women are shamed for enjoying such a natural and beautiful experience with their bodies. Really, it’s nobody’s else’s fucking business but your own. It’s your body and you have every right to make it as happy as you can! Take control of this.
I’m genuinely so proud of how far I’ve come (pardon the pun, teehee) since I was 13, being virtually terrified of the idea of masturbation. I am constantly learning about my body and what I enjoy, and I’m really hoping reading this might encourage some of you to make the effort to get to know your body, even though it’s scary. Trust me, it’s worth it!
Just two of many influencers who helped me break down my barriers and become comfortable with my vagina were Hannah Witton, her YouTube channel and book ‘Doing It’, are amazing, and Florence Given, a brilliant Instagram influencer and creative who empowers me every time I look at her work. If you struggle to connect with yourself sexually or just your femininity in general, I’d highly recommend checking them both out.
P.S. If you have any tips, questions, revelations or experiences – DM us on our Instagram or leave an anonymous comment on our Google Form (the link is pinned to the top of our blog!) We love to listen just as much as we love to talk! Happy wanking and all the power to your GODDAMN pussy.
Lots of love from girls in their bedrooms,
!!!GIRRL WRRLD!!!
<3<3<3
Art by Robin Eisenberg
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