For the past 9 years, my periods have been unbearably painful. On my first day, my whole body starts to shake uncontrollably, stabbing pains begin in my tummy, and I don’t have the strength to get up anymore. I physically can’t function; I can’t even get myself to the bathroom let alone to any work-based obligation (sick days never seem to consider periods do they?). The pain of being a woman just didn’t seem fair- so I decided to go to a gynecologist. I’ve always been hesitant to go as I have a past with sexual abuse. I know doctors have extensive medical training, but I just could not muster the strength to have another stranger invading my koochi’s personal space. People assured me that I wouldn’t need a physical check up for menstruation-related problems, so I went.
Two minutes into telling the doctor what was going on, he told me to take my clothes off and sit on the examination chair. I started to explain that I don’t want that but he simply started speaking over me telling me that he’s seen thousands so I shouldn’t worry (somehow that’s supposed to calm me down?).
I felt overwhelmed by his authoritarianism so I did what he said. I never knew my body could shake so hard in fear. As the doctor was examining me, he said “why are you shaking like a leaf? What are you going to do when you want to have kids?” The thought that I had been sexually abused never crossed his insensitive mind. Instead, all he was concerned about was how another man was going to access my punani if I reacted this way. Shortly after I felt I was going to throw up. I felt dizzy. I felt an intense sense of violation. Without any prior warning, the doctor had stuck an ultrasound up my Kooch. I relived all the fear, self-hatred, and disgust I had felt the first time I was violated.
I didn’t feel okay mentally or physically for a week following the appointment. The outcome was putting me on the pill which made me irritable, nauseous, and completely messed with my cycle. The best part? I was still in loads of pain. I can’t help but feel failed by the medical system that would ask a pregnant woman numerous times if she’s safe in her relationship but not second think randomly probing a young woman’s vagina. A system where access to mental health medication is almost impossible but putting a young woman on the pill is the go-to answer. I realized that being a woman isn’t unfair. The way the world doesn’t meet women’s varying needs is unfair.
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